Practice compassion. Embrace interdependence

For the past two years, ever since I found out that I would become a dad, I’ve tried to be very intentional with how I spend my time and how to live life wisely. I had the intention to become the best possible version of myself.

I started exercising regularly and meditated daily. I quit smoking and reduced my intake of sugar and alcohol severely. I started playing the piano and learning a third language. Needless to say, I was doing whatever I could to get the feeling that I wasn’t wasting my time.

These newly developed habits and routines, which I’ve earlier only admired in others, had unforeseen consequences in my daily life.

I became lonely and spiteful. Without noticing it, I was alienating myself from everyone around me. I thought of myself as better than anyone else. Better than those who didn’t take their time to exercise. Better than those who binge-watched Netflix or spent their time playing video games. Better than those who didn’t devour books regularly. I grew resentful towards those who complained about trivial things such as the weather.

I became judgmental. I could gaze through the window of a fast-food restaurant with resentment for the people eating there, especially those with children. Didn’t they care about what they fed their children?

Anger and bitterness became my companions.

In a moment of self-reflection, I suddenly realized that I had to start caring for my fellow humans. Not just those in my immediate social circles, but genuine care for everyone.

What you have in common with every other human being on the planet is this: we all just want to be happy

I didn’t like the fact that my actions were self-centered and egotistical. Take my writing for example. Some of you write because you have something to tell. You have something of value that you want to share with others. Me? I write because it is a step in my learning process. The only benefactor that is of my concern is me myself and I. These are not the values that I want to live by and pass on to my daughter.

I needed to start practicing compassion now.

The Solution

When I want to learn something, I turn to books. It was while I was reading The Book of Joy that I stumbled upon a quote by the Dalai Lama that confirmed I was on the right path:

“I prefer to go to hell than to heaven. I can solve more problems in hell. I can help more people there.” -Dalai Lama

Goosebumps.

If that isn’t the epitome of compassion, I don’t know what is.

You’re human

Expressing compassion can be hard in a ‘dog eat dog’ world. Where survival of the fittest is the norm and kindness is a sign of weakness. Our first step in transforming ourselves to becoming compassionate is to reframe how we relate to those around us. It’s difficult to express kindness to someone that you view as one of the others.

What you have in common with every other human being on the planet is this: we all just want to be happy. The means to get there is what separates us, but the desired outcome is all the same. Throughout life, we experiment in different ways to achieve this happiness. Stop thinking of yourself as special. Stop creating this fictive persona of yours. In my case, I should not view myself as a high-achiever and compare myself to those I find to be low-achievers. I should not view myself as an atheist. I should view myself as first and foremost human, and others as my fellow humans. Dalai Lama famously said that he’s never encountered a stranger in his whole life. This is because he doesn’t differentiate himself from anyone else. He feels a deep connection with each and everyone he meets.

This shift of perspective will make all of the seven billion people on this planet someone to relate with. Compassion is about letting go of your own self and gazing outwardly. Stop being so self-centered. Concern for other’s happiness is your own biggest resource for happiness. And when you’re joyful and are moving beyond your own sufferings you’ll be more available to help in other’s pain and problems. Bringing joy to others is the fastest way to experience joy oneself.

Independence is a myth

Being independent is just a myth. We live and die in total dependence of each other. You’re brought up in this world with the help of your parents and later on with the help of society. You are who you are because of your upbringing and the genes you inherited from your parents.

Everything that you own — your clothes, your smartphone, the watch on your wrist. Everything exists because of the cooperation we as humans are capable of. Our species capability of cooperation is what makes us stand out in the animal kingdom. Having this in mind, you should start expressing gratitude for the things that you have.

“You are made for perfection, but you are not yet perfect. You are a masterpiece in the making.” -Dalai Lama

By viewing everyone else as part of yourself is to stop viewing your life through a very narrow lens. This narrow lens will turn your small problems out of proportion. With the wider and more globally prone lens, all your worries and problems will become less heavy. You’re not alone anymore. We all experience hardships, and we’re all in this together.

For us to become compassionate citizens is to reframe what we know about ourselves and everyone else

Rejoice in others

Eventually, and hopefully, we’ll get closer to the realization that we’re just an intricate (and important) part of the bigger whole. In thanks to this, we can break free from the competitiveness and consumption frenzy that encompasses our society. You’ll be able to let go of your jealousy and instead look at your neighbor’s new expensive car with joy. This person just wants to be happy, and by the looks of the new car, she seems to be doing well financially. Good for her! Hopefully, further success will come to her. Unlike many other people in the world, this person is doing fine on her own.

Dalai Lama’s daily intention

This little sidetrack of mine — investigating why someone should strive to be compassionate — has been truly transformative for me. And for the first time, I’m sharing my writing with the sincere hope that it will help someone else make the choice to actively become a more compassionate person.

We need it more than ever.

Nowadays I start off my day by reciting the same daily intention as the Dalai Lama: to have a meaningful day. ‘Meaningful’ here equals that, if possible, we should serve and help others. If that isn’t possible, we should do our best not to harm others.